Scientists at the University of Canvey Island (UCI) say that their research proves that the largest influence on the decline of the nation’s health is the humble TV Remote Control.
Bent Pinkie, Emeritus Professor in Social Anthropology at UCI (University of Canvey Island) makes this claim following research sponsored by Durexcell and The Milk Marketing Board.
“This was a difficult project to undertake, given the incompatibility of the sponsors – Durexcell claim that their batteries require fewer changes to the Remote Control than ordinary batteries whereas the introduction of any milk products seemed to reduce the effectiveness of the remote quite substantially.”
“Our usual subject for any kind of health research would be the common mouse, but in this investigation they were quite useless. You see mice rarely need to use the TV Remote Control. They usually just find the Cartoon Channel and watch Tom and Jerry twenty-four seven.”
Professor Pinkie explained how they overcame this first hurdle.
“We at the University of Canvey Island (UCI) used audience figures supplied by Nielsen Media Research and discovered that our optimum research subject would be someone who watched Jeremy Kyle in the morning, Tipping Point in the afternoon and Emmerdale in the evening. Our next problem was to discover enough amongst this demographic capable of completing our questionnaire, particularly those who were concerned that the Health Questionnaire might, in some way, affect the level of benefits they were receiving. Reassuring them that this was not a Benefit Office sting proved very time consuming.”
Bent Pinkie at this stage hands the story over to his colleague, Professor Poppy Pepper but not before explaining why she was ideal for this project.
“I had previously picked Professor Poppy Pepper for a previous project and she proved to be passionate and persistent in her research. Indeed,” Bent Pinkie laughed, “we nicknamed her ‘Passionate Persistent Professor Poppy Pepper’ and if I was going to pick any person it had to be ‘Passionate Persistent Professor Poppy Pepper’.”
Professor Pepper blushed at such fulsome praise before explaining the key findings.
“ UCI (University of Canvey Island) have a growing reputation for blue sky thinking, thinking outside the box, pushing the envelope. Indeed running controversial theories up the intellectual flagpole to see if anyone salutes it. My remit was to work within a very tight budget to prove some of the life-shattering ideas that had emerged from our observations.”
Professors Pinkie and Pepper split their research into a number of sections. Diabetes is the fastest-growing health threat facing the UK and the numbers of undiagnosed cases is a cause for concern for the NHS and their ability to cope in the future.
The connection between diabetes and the growth of the Remote Control is incontrovertibly linked. As the numbers of Remote Controls raised so did the increase in diabetes. But why? The answer, according to Bent Pinkie, is that, clearly the user does not have to get up every time they want to change channels and as such does not flush the blood through the bloodstream at regular intervals. In addition as the user is aware that they will not be leaving their chair that often they have now created a new habit of stocking up with lager and sweets before they settle down. Without the distraction around him the user is able to plough through their supply and over time will increase the stock and thereby their intake of alcohol and sugar.
As Poppy Pepper puts it: “Less calories consumed through less activity plus more calories consumed through more sugar intake equals diabetes.”
“Our research, sponsored by The Milk Marketing Board and Durexcell, recommends that, to reduce the health hazards attributable to high levels of alcohol and sweet consumption, Remote Control users should migrate to more dairy-based products – with fewer calories and less harmful to the liver and kidney.”
Professor Pinkie was keen to present the other element of their research, sponsored by Durexcell and The Milk Marketing Board.
“What we were expecting to find from our analysis was that by switching to an inferior quality of battery – maybe one with a life of only 28 days – would require users to become more active, at least when the batteries are running out and certainly when they are finally dead. What we found was the opposite of this. Twenty-eight days is not long enough to create a firm habit. A longer life battery – one that could last for 12 months or more – would enable Remote Control users to ignore the pressure of an imminent battery failure and concentrate on changing their lifestyle choices to more healthy and dairy-related options.”
“Our second major finding was the way in which use of the Remote Control was affecting the wellbeing of our eyes” explained Poppy Pepper. “Sitting for many hours with our eyes focused on the same distance to the TV weakens the muscles of the eyes. This means that when we need to focus at something nearer, for example when reading a book, the image is blurred or hazy. As a result people are avoiding reading, literacy levels are falling and the average size of their vocabulary is diminishing year on year.”
“Cataracts are also a by-product of Remote Control overuse. The connection is the amount of time spent in front of the bright television screen.”
Perhaps the most shocking findings from UCI (University of Canvey Island) was the deterioration in the nations hearing.
“Remote Controls change stations by emitting high pitched radio wave signals. These are indiscernible by the human ear but this constant assault on the upper register of our hearing forces our overall level of hearing to atrophy. Think of how many times when you speak to someone watching TV that you have to repeat yourself. The Remote Control Effect,” claims Bent Pinkie.
As a result of these findings UCI (University of Canvey Island) applied for more funding and were delighted to obtain sponsorship from SpecExpress. They were able to provide technical expertise to deal with the dual problems of high-level radio waves and lack of ocular exercise. The result of this was the development of a pair of spectacles which contain within the arms on the one side a jamming device to counteract the high level radiowaves and on the other a small hearing aid. The lenses resemble something akin to two pairs of venetian blinds which flip open and shut automatically.
Pinkie and Pepper explained that this has the effect of forcing the eyes to react by changing the range of focus, thereby exercising the eye muscles.
What can be done to reverse the Remote Control Effect? The boffins at the University of Canvey Island (UCI) believe that Government intervention is called for.
“Without being overdramatic,” say the worthy professors, “the health of the nation depends on this. Obesity, diabetes, eyesight and hearing problems are a costly drain on the limited resources of the NHS and the Government must act. Our solution is simplicity itself – make Remote Controls truly remote. Make them only function from a different room to the TV. To change channels users would need to get up and walk into the other room thus taking exercise, moving away from their stash of booze and grub and also giving their eyes and ears a rest from the harmful effects of the insidious Remote Control.”
We must wait and see if the Government has enough courage to act.