Callum -Good afternoon, this is Callum Johnson reporting to you from a field near Wastwater in to Lake District and I am delighted to be interviewing Buzz, a mature Common Buzzard whose home is in the trees surrounded by the Parkgate Tarn on one side and Scafell Pike on the other. Welcome Buzz, I know this must be a unique experience for you, being interviewed on TV like this?

Buzz – Oh no Callum, I have made a number of appearances on your TV. I have been in Springwatch with Michaela Strachan and the lovely Chris Packham – he has such gorgeous hair I would give my tail feathers for that crowning glory! And I did The Generation Game with Anthea Redfern and the legendary Bruce Forsyth. At the risk of repeating myself, what a lovely head of hair!

Callum – I think you will find that Bruce Forsyth wore a wig.

Buzz – A wig?

Callum – A hairpiece, some false hair.

Buzz – Is that a thing? Do they do false feathers as well? I could do with a bit of a touch up, myself, I’m shedding feathers from my crown. Sometimes I look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards. Some days it’s because I HAVE been dragged through a hedge backwards if I’m honest. The phrase ‘bitten off more than I can chew’ was invented for us buzzards.

Callum – What did you do on the Generation Game?

Buzz – I’m embarrassed to admit that I pretended to be a Falcon where members of the public tried to lure me to their gauntlet with a dead rat. They thought that, if anything went wrong, I was likely to inflict less damage to the contestants than a real falcon. But it hasn’t always been cultural stuff like that. I was also in Robins Nest that popular sit-com from the 1970’s with Richard O’Sullivan. He was a sweet, sweet man and I loved his shaggy locks. Wild, untamed and yet manly. It’s a look that I try to adopt myself, if I’m honest, Callum. A bit like your own if I may say so! Gorgeous. Could I run my talons through them, maybe after the interview?

Callum – Maybe Buzz. But before we get to that let’s talk about the main reason we want to chat today. I understand that you have invented a new hunting technique. Tell us about this.

Buzz – Well, it’s like this Callum. I was perched high in my favourite tree a few weeks ago when I noticed the farmer sitting out in the field with his shotgun resting on his knees. To be honest with you he looked a bit of a mess. Farmer Mike is not what I would call a hunk, Callum but he usually tries to make the best of himself; always wears pressed overalls and always makes sure his hair is immaculate. I think that’s so important in a man, don’t you Callum? Turns out that he had been up all night trying to catch the mole that has been ruining his fields and lawns with his constant digging. So, he’s been awake all night watching for moles, which is ironic really because a flock of buzzards is called ‘a wake’. And a group of moles, though you don’t them together very often, is called ‘a labour’. I guess you could say that Farmer Mike stayed awake to spot a labour of moles! Get it? Sorry, Callum, just my little joke!  Back to the point. I felt really sorry for Mike, letting himself go like that! I like my Mike crisp and clean and coiffured. I had a word with him and said that, as a Buzzard, I could capture the mole for him really easy. He reckoned that if I could then, between us, we could earn a fortune and become famous! Frankly, the money does not interest, but I love being on the Telly, so we went into business together.

Callum – How do you do it, Buzz?

Buzz – Well, it’s quite easy for me, you see. I just sit in my tree and wait for the earth to move as the mole is getting to the top of his tunnel then I swoop down, grab him with my talons and just yank him out and take him off for lunch – that’s my lunch of course.

Callum – Wow! That must take some skilful flying, Buzz.

Buzz – Us Buzzards are like Harrier Jump Jets. We can soar really high, hover just above the ground if necessary and use our reverse- flap stroke to land on a pinhead if needed. We are built for this kind of work.

Callum – Thank you so much Buzz and good luck with your new project. Now it’s back to the studio.

Buzz – Thank you, Callum.

Callum – One question I forgot to ask – don’t you get fed up to the back of your beak, eating mole all the time?

Buzz – We are off air now, right? I will let you into a little secret. I think I can trust you Callum. Anyone with a lovely head of hair like yours can be trusted, I know. Here’s the thing, Cally. As you can probably tell, I’m more of a lover and not a fighter. If I wore them, I would be the girl with the comfortable shoes, if you get my drift? So, here’s what I did – I organised a committee meeting with the moles in the area – which is another of my little jokes because a group of vultures is a committee. Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes. I put it to the moles that if they gave me a wave, I would swoop in, looking ferocious and hard, scoop them up and move them onto the next farm where they could start tunnelling afresh. Mike would think I was a dynamite mole-catcher and would tell all his neighbours. When they started getting mole hills, he would hire me out to the next farm, and I would do the same again! We reckon there are enough farms in the area to take us about three years before we get back to Mike’s Farm. It’s fame for me and fortune for Mike – we are such a good team he might even let me use some of his hair products once in a while. All these aeronautics makes a real mess of my plumage, you know. And how you present yourself is so important, don’t you think??