It had landed on the doormat a couple of days before, along with the garish leaflets inviting me to get a 40% discount from my local pizza house, or demanding that I replace my unhygienic eight-year old mattress for something that will improve my posture and reduce the number of visits to the toilet (presumably only when in bed, rather than throughout the day).

But it was none of these that left the envelope unopened. It was the handwritten note which read “Hi Dave, just a polite reminder to pay for the window cleaning done on Monday.”

Now I pride myself on the fact that I support local tradesmen and pay on delivery. I was horrified and immediately rushed to my computer to check my bank account to confirm that I had, indeed, paid my window cleaning bill. Bristling with indignation, I immediately got on the phone to ‘Stuart Windows’ as he appears on my mobile and he defused my irritation in seconds.

“Hi Dave, I was just dialling out your number. The missus, silly cow, gave me the wrong Dave to chase up for money. I know you pay me before I’ve got off your driveway usually.”

Suddenly, we were back into the old routine talking football and how you can’t get the staff these days and by the time we ended the call, I ignored the rest of the mail and rushed off to work.

So, it was two days before I realised that there was a proper letter hidden amongst the junk mail.

The envelope was clearly not your standard Basildon Bond but a weighty luxury cream material. In the top left-hand corner of the envelope was a gold motif of two interlinked letters C, one reversed, embossed into the paper.

I double-checked that this letter was addressed to me, my thought being that my wife had put in a complaint to Coco Chanel about changing the recipe for her favourite body lotion, again!

But no, this was definitely intended for me. Obviously, some other promotion designed to get me to part with my hard-earned cash. Some boiler-room scam based in a Far East country of indeterminate origin.

I opened the envelope without expectation and read slowly:

By Order of His Majesty King Charles III and Her Majesty Queen Camilla

You are cordially invited to The Coronation to take place at Westminster Abbey on

Saturday 6^th May 2023 at 11.00am

Please accept by return to receive instructions with regard to dress code and etiquette.

Note: This invitation is not transferrable and is for the recipient only

Clearly, this was a wind-up right? Nigel doing one of his photoshoppy things! But when I messaged him, he seemed as confused as myself.

Maybe it was real? Maybe it was an acknowledgement of my years of service to the old and decrepit of Essex? Or my years of supporting Sport for All? Or just because they needed someone there with less hair than HRH?

When confusion hit, I did what I always do – I made myself a cup of coffee and had a jam donut. It helps to focus the mind.  

I weighed up the pros and cons.

The pros – definitely something to tell my kids and grandkids. Being part of history in the making. A chance to rub shoulders with the great and the good from around the world (well, I could certainly rub shoulders with Rishi; he and I are the same stature). And I bet the Vol au Vents are pretty special.

On the downside, am I going to get into my made-to-measure suit now I’m a stone and a half heavier? How do I get there? Train, car, cab? It’s all going to cost money. And what if, like everywhere I go, the champagne and wine is free, but I have to pay for a soft drink or a cup of coffee.

It took a lot of soul searching, but, eventually, I was able to pen my response.

Dear King Charges III,

Thank you so much for the kind invitation to your Coronation. I very much appreciate the offer, but regretfully I must decline for the following reasons:

1. I did not receive an invitation to the wedding (either of them!) when my diary was relatively free. This could have been an oversight the first time around, but the second time. Too big a coincidence, I suggest.
2. I have a prior engagement as children’s entertainer at the fourth birthday party of a lad called Archie Sussex. Four is an impressionable age and rejection could scar him for life, and he will have enough challenges going forward.
3. I also have a subsequent engagement. West Ham v Manchester Utd. Now that could be history in the making and, frankly, Charles, my team need me! They did not leave me high and dry, only calling me when Harry Stiles and Ed Sheeran couldn’t make it.

I’m sure that you will still have a good time and I hope that this doesn’t mean that you will not be inviting me to any future weddings you may have planned. And I am always available for kids parties etc.

Your obedient servant

I am sure that I have made the right decision – particularly if we stuff Man Utd.