“Minister, in your statement to Parliament yesterday you advised the House that you intend to create a new ‘Super Department’ combining an NHS service specifically for the Over-70’s with the existing Department of Energy and Climate Change. What is the thinking behind this?”

“Well, Sally, thank you for letting me come onto your programme to explain the thinking behind this merger. As you know, there has been a lot of misguided information about this and I’m here, this evening to clear up any misunderstandings and I hope that you will see the benefits of what we are proposing. For the Over-70’s, with their highly specific set of medical conditions, they will know that we will take care of these needs specifically, and at the same time they will feel satisfaction that they continue to contribute to such major concerns for their children and grandchildren, and sometimes even their great-grandchildren over issues like Global Warming and escalating energy costs. I hope that this has helped to clear up any worries that have been expressed?”

“Not really minister, you see I’m still not clear where the link is.”

“So, Sally, let me put some meat on the bones for you. Let me give you some numbers. Did you know that, on average a cow will release between 70 to 120kg of Methane per year…?”

“Sorry, Minister, I can’t see the connection?”

“Well, as you know, Methane is a greenhouse gas, just like Carbon Dioxide but the difference is that Methane is 23 times more powerful than CO2 in terms as the negative effect on climate.”

“Still not following.”

“So, in the UK we have around 1.895 million cattle – that’s an enormous amount of methane, Sally.”

“Indeed, but this merger of Departments, Minister, I’m still no clearer.”

“So, Sally, the census shows us that we have in the UK in the order of 11.4 million people approaching 70. This element of the population call for more and more resources from the NHS. Hip and knee replacement to give you one example. Then there is the number of reading glasses and hearing aids demanded by this population. And most of these people are only working part-time, so their contribution to our economy is on a downward trajectory whilst their gas emissions, in the form of flatulence, is rocketing skyward.”

“Is there a link with the cattle somewhere here?”

“Clearly, 11.4 million people is a greater number than 1.895 million cattle. The conclusion is undeniable. Greenhouse gasses, emitted by our Over-70 population is an enormous contributor to Global Warming.”

“So, your new Over-70’s NHS Department would be seeking a cure for flatulence? Is that what you are suggesting?”

“In an ideal world, Sally, and with time on our side, that would be a perfect, if incomplete solution. Sadly, we do not live in an ideal world and you know as well as I do, Sally, that those grandchildren and sometimes even the great-grandchildren will not wait for ever. They will not wait for their turn to smell the roses, whilst their grandparents are farting all over the country.”

“Surely, you’re not suggesting that you harness their gasses for energy in some way?”

“Not exactly, Sally, but what we have is an opportunity to take a series of negative outcomes and convert them into a series of positive benefits for mankind. What we are working on here is cutting edge – and I use those words advisedly!”

“Minister, you promised clarity but so far I am in more of a fog than at the start of this interview!”

“Sally, let me paint a picture for you and all will become clear. Sally, you are now over 70. You have the glasses, the hearing aid and, on average, three prosthetic joints and you’re trumping to kingdom come. The Government have offered a prosthetic equivalent to an Organ Donor Scheme. Let’s face it, you are hardly using that new knee joint anyway so, for a consideration, you can return it for recycling. And, let’s be fair about this, money is not much use to you either in your parlous state. So here’s what we are offering. We will, at no cost to you, remove all of your ‘enhancements’ and recycle them.”

“But, without a knee joint, or a hip joint, I can’t walk or move! Doesn’t that make me a bigger drain on society?”

“Sally, this is where the other department in the merger comes into its own. You are quite correct when you suggest that your quality of life will be non-existent, so, in return for your donations we will arrange, at no cost to you, for you to be cremated. And here is where the national benefit really starts to pay in spades, because we will be linking up all crematoria to the National Grid and as you are vaporised so you are adding energy to the national store.

Looking at it in the round, this scheme takes expensive Over-70’s out of the NHS, leaving more resources to people who are working and contributing. It recycles perfectly good but underutilised NHS prosthetics. It cuts down gas emission contributing to global warming and finally provides cheap pyre fuel to our factories and houses.”